06/04/2010

This is the first time I'm writing in this journal, so I don't really know what to say. Maybe I could write about the fact that I can hear Jin Ae saying that it's just like me to call a diary a journal. Well, I can. Because it is like me, I suppose. I can even see her, it seems, I guess because of how much I miss her.

It's amazing how people can just be...gone, from your life. We moved to Eden, North Carolina like it was nothing, and it was nothing. Then her health started to fade. And one day she was just gone.

I miss her so much.

Follow up:

06/12/2010

Last night I had a dream about Normandy Beach. I was so eager to serve the first time, but the second time, Korea, my father forced me to. I didn't want to. I killed a man at Normandy. I shot him and he just sort of fell, clutching his chest. People were clapping me on the back because they were such damn poor shots, they didn't actually shoot anyone. That boy, even if he was a Nazi, was somebody's son. From what I've read about a lot of those boys, most of them were following orders. The evil, evil bastards tried that excuse, but the one that I killed was probably just serving his country.

And he was a son. He probably had a girl he was going with. He might have even been married and, God have mercy on my soul, he might have been a father.

I don't remember the last time I had a dream about Normandy Beach. Jin Ae had been able to do something with me, was able to manipulate me, so that I wouldn't dream about it.

I was only eighteen, and I killed somebody. I remember all the men who sat and complained after that, because they had to wait for so long. Or the ones who said that's all they did. I turned eighteen, I signed up, and I became a murderer on the 6th of June, 1944.

06/20/2010

The dreams are getting worse. It was about Korea this time. That's where I met Jin Ae. I was 24, she was about 17 or so. She and her family were looking for some type of safeguard at a base, and we gave it to them, as we did with many families due to the base not being the most important American military station in Korea. She was the only one who knew English, but her vocabulary was small and her accent was thick. I was one of the few on the base who she would talk to, because I didn't make fun of her race or her lack of knowledge about English or her accent.

I knew a bit of Korean, I taught her a bit of English. When I got done with our conversations that took hours and hours, just talking, really, we were both almost completely bilingual. And we were completely in love.

I'm trying to focus on the positives of that hell hole. The Asians are...a very strange lot. I hate to sound racist, which I swear I'm not, but during war they're absolute demons. The things I heard from POWs in Korea, and from one of my friends, because his boys were in Vietnam, and three out of five were captured and only two came home...

07/06/2010

I talked to my daughter about the dreams. She's a doctor, and I'm so proud of her. She said it was just the emotional upset from moving and Jin Ae dying. I've had emotional upsets before, but nothing that could provoke such terrible dreams. I was dreaming of when I killed that one boy at Normandy, then how I killed those people at Korea. Then they started getting worse and worse.

It wasn't even related to the two wars I was in. I can't even remember half of them, but every time I try, I feel sick to my stomach, like I've done something that I shouldn't have. Like I've committed a crime.

I told Julie, my daughter, that I could just see myself trying to roll away from a crime as quick as possible. She just rolled her eyes.

Todd would have thought it was funny.

07/11/2010

I got a visit from Julie, her husband Drake and my grandson Nathaniel. Nathaniel is a unique kid. He's smart, he's kind, he's respectful and he loves his family. His hair's too long and his pants and shirts are too tight or too baggy, and I swear I saw nail polish on him once, but I love him. My only grandchild, of course. They stayed for a few days.

Nathaniel was listening to a song called "Rooster." He said it was about Vietnam, because one of the band members father was in Vietnam. It made me too uncomfortable and I left the room. Nathaniel turned off the music and apologized for the volume and said he knew that Alice in Chains (I think that's the name) wasn't the most appropriate thing for him to play while visiting Grandpa.

07/23/2010

I think I saw something out of the corner of my eye today. Not just something, one of those somethings. You know, the one those things that makes you shudder even though you're sure it was just a normal shadow? Though, I can't help it. It's just these God forsaken nightmares I keep having. The fact that when I saw the thing I remember about the shadow folk that Mother always told me about. They'd come and eat me if I didn't behave. Or, they'd just eat you for the hell of it. I wasn't ever really sure on that. I just kind of scoffed at it like Father.

I hate these nightmares. They're getting worse and worse. I swear to God Jin Ae was in one of them. And Todd was in one, I'm certain. He asked me why I had never said that I loved him. I tried to explain that I just never found the right time...the right moment...that I thought he always knew.

Todd explained that he was never really sure. Then he just sort of...vanished.

I miss my son so much.

08/02/2010

I remember my friend Ephraim talking about going to Dachau. The ability for humans to be so cruel to each other is so staggering.

08/06/2010

I saw that damn shadow folk or car light going across the window or warning sign of Alzheimer's or whatever the hell that thing is again. Twice. I'm seeing it in my dreams, too. I saw something out of the window. I talked with Julie again, and she just said it was tricks of the eye. She suggested I get some sleep.

How can I sleep, when all I dream is all of the horrors that have gone on during my life? I've killed people, I never told my son I loved him, all the horror and the pain and the suffering. I'm just going senile, or going insane from guilt.

I just saw that son of a bitch again. Just now.

08/08/2010

I think I heard something whisper today. It sounded like Jin Ae. When I heard it whisper my name, “Jack!," a picture of Jin Ae flew off the wall. I swear it did. I can't even reach where Drake put it. I'm in my wheelchair and the doctor said to never leave it unless if I absolutely had to. I'll just buy a frame with a prop in the back so I won't have to try and strain and kill myself trying to put a picture back up.

Though...I do think I want to kill myself.

08/21/2010

When I was fixing myself something to eat, I swear I saw Jin Ae at the fridge, looking through it with something in her mouth and something in her free hand while she still browsed. The food I saw that she had was still in the fridge...but it looked as if I could reach out and touch her. And she'd turn, close the fridge door and eat whatever was in her mouth in a hurry. Then she'd smile at me and offer me whatever was in her hand, or a piece of it. I love her so much.

Maybe I'll see her soon.

09/01/2010

I felt a hand on my face tonight. It felt like Jin Ae. I heard something scream. Something unearthly and absolutely terrible.

09/07/2010

I think I'm crazy. I don't want to talk to Julie about it.

10/05/2010

I saw the shadow man again. I think he watches me. Jin Ae...I don't see her any more. I wish I did. I'm not really sure why this is happening. I wish I could see Todd again. But I think I'm just going senile. I think. I actually hope this is Alzheimer's. Those dreams...those dreams. I just wish that it all would stop.